Roundup No. 27 š„±š
New coworkers, answers to your relationship dilemmas, preventing budget failures, the 2022 Subaru WRX, and a comment on thriving while queer.
Welcome to The Boring Gay Roundup! Career, relationship, money, and cars from a boring gay man in <5 minutes. If you havenāt already, subscribe below!
Career
A new coworker is always an interesting phenomenon internally. The people who have been a part of the company for a while generally know the good, bad, and ugly. They know the issues with management, they know why people recently quit, they know who the mean ones, annoying ones, and useless ones are. And yet, itās those same people tasked with acclimating this new - generally motivated and optimistic - team member into the company. My approach - and I think the polite human approach - has always been to be as neutral as possible. Maybe drop a few helpful hints (without being negative or naming names) about how the person can succeed. I try to offer myself as a resource and tell the person to come to me if they have no idea how something works (even if itās not something Iām responsible for). A new coworker is almost like an innocent child that I try to shield. I guess itās my way of adding some positivity to the workplace ecosystem. Sometimes I wonder if Iām being misleading in not sharing more of the real with the new hires. Ultimately, though, you donāt want to color someoneās view based on your own experiences. Maybe your one coworker was a nightmare to you last year because she was divorcing her husband and you reminded her of him. Maybe sheās actually going to be perfectly kind to this new woman. Ultimately, new hires are new - yes - but they are humans that have had jobs before and left those jobs for reasons and came out of those jobs with lessons. Itās best to let their journey be their own and try not to cloud it with our own.
Relationships
I answered your relationship dilemmas on IG this week and my inbox was poppin. I promised to answer the rest in my newsletter - which Iāll tackle over two weeks (yāall got issues! Jk, who am I to talk). Here are some:
āIām worried my husband has figured out that Iām broken from my abusive pastā: This sounds to me like you have something to hide from your husband - and thatās not a good or healthy feeling in any relationship. I bet your husband loves you dearly and would be willing to help you or encourage you to get help to deal with your past. You shouldnāt feel like you have to fake it or hide your feelings. Reframe your husband as a teammate and not a judge.
āI never flirt with anyone I meet in person because I assume they 99% arenāt into meā: Flirting with people in person can be pretty intimidating for anyone, especially if you arenāt sure that someone is interested (let alone gay). More importantly, it sounds like you have a little work to do on loving you! You have to get to a place where you love yourself and can recognize that you are a catch. That doesnāt mean everyone will like you, but when they donāt, you should feel like itās their loss.
āEveryone does this open relationship crap - I believe in monogamy and thatās why Iām singleā: It can feel like the queer community shuns monogamy - but thatās just not true. You are naturally exposed to more open relationships because those are the folks more visible on apps looking for thirds, hookups, etc. And thatās not wrong - but itās not for everyone. Monogamous folks are generally harder to spot because they are in relationships and enjoying them. They are out there, have hope.
ā2-year relationship - trying to save it and he says he is too but I feel like he doesnāt careā: I say this constantly - have a direct conversation about this issue. āWeāll do betterā is not good enough. Discuss what each of you needs from the other to make this work. Write those things down. Create tangible goals (date nights, sex, etc.). Have check-ins. If one or both of you are not living up to the agreement, itās time to consider ending the relationship. Relationships are work - donāt coast.
āSex - he canāt get aroused for me. I love him and he turns me on, just not the other wayā: There can be so many reasons for this - maybe heās distracted with life issues, maybe he has his own confidence issues, maybe thereās something he is unwilling to say that has changed his desire for you. Donāt just float in that existence. It can be awkward, but bring it up and see if he is willing to talk about it or talk to a professional about it if he isnāt sure whatās wrong.
āIām in love with a best friend that has a man. He and I have hooked up and itās super-secretā: Yikes! Yāall know there are plenty of people willing to hook up with you that are not taken right? This sounds unhealthy and toxic. Someone or everyone is going to get hurt. I think itās time to be honest with the boyfriend if your best friend actually wants to be with you instead. If not, itās time to respect that relationship and back off of your friend. Maybe even stop talking if you canāt trust yourself to respect these boundaries.
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Money
I think one of the most important and overlooked aspects of budgeting is the āeven that??ā phenomenon. When people start a budget, theyāre generally motivated and willing to give it a shot. But when that budget starts challenging them or they feel that itās impossible to stick to it, they tend to abandon the plan. The most important part of budgeting is putting some time upfront to analyze your historical spending - including the even that?? expenses. You can consider āeven thatā expenses things that donāt repeat every week or month but that definitely need to be incorporated in your overall spending. Iām thinking birthday gifts, vacations, concerts, car registrations, car repairs, throwing a party, Christmas, little ātreat yourselfā things that you donāt always do but that cost money. The easiest way to do this without having to plan your entire life out before it happens is to have one budget for all of your predictable expenses (housing, car, loans, credit cards, subscriptions, etc.) and then see what is left over each month (and even better, divide it into weeks), so you know whatās left to spend on food, entertainment, gifts (things that vary). And sometimes your weekly budget might take a big hit (like buying gifts), but you make up for it by spending less on variable expenses in the next week or two to cover it. Itās ok to break the budget, you just have to be sure you can fix it in the following weeks to get back on track.
Cars
Subaru fans were polarized this week (at least based on my skimming of IG comments) with the release of the all-new 2022 Subaru WRX. As with most new models, people criticized the design (the front of which is beautiful and the rear of which is debateable). The WRX is arguably the most important car for the Subaru brand. Maybe not by sales volume, but by street cred among car nuts (who then guide their friends, family, etc. into buying Subarus). This car is especially dear to me, as I was one of the first to own the current generation WRX when it was released in 2015. I. Loved. That. Car. The turbo and all-wheel-drive easily boosted the fun factor above some much faster cars Iāve driven. The new model has a new turbocharged four-cylinder engine (that makes almost the same power as before) and rides on an entirely new platform. In general, the car is described as more premium than the outgoing model and will benefit from Subaruās newer media set-up with a vertical tablet-type screen. Itās kind of comforting (but maybe bad business?) to have a car stay so true to its roots while the industry electrifies. But a plug-in WRX would be a trip. I love the all-terrain plastic trim for the wheel arches. Some might not love the design, but Subaru has always been quirky. Donāt hate them for who they are - thatās something everyone reading this newsletter can appreciate.
If youāre in the market for a car, check out my recent reviews of the Mercedes GLA 35 AMG, Hyundai Sonata, and Mazda CX-30.
Comment of the Week
In response to my IG post on everyone being a critical part of the queer community:
Liked something I said this week? Leave a commentā¦I read and reply to them. Nothing to say? Click the heartā¦it generates a delightful e-mail to me. Want to encourage me to keep writing these? Please forward this to a friend.